little in life has changed... but there are so much i've gained, this year has been a splendid one. along w joyful exciting holidays celebrated throughout the year, loves received from everyone i adore, too much fun to say good bye.. but i am sure that next year will give me more, no more heartbreaks to think of, hopefully, surviving this path, to get to a greater purpose in life,...
HAPPY NEW YEAR
letting go is d hardest part.. in my life, i tot thts it.. i will b with the same person till forever.. i didnt realize tht i am going to mess up my own future.. my happiness.. wic i tot was with him.. i am trying very hard to let go.. y cant i just sleep n wake up without a tiny memory of him..
i dun mind getting amnesia for all its worth.. i cant take being apart.. having to c him only in my dreams, wat can i say.. i did this to myself..
i turned away from the one i loved,.. hardly i tried to get him back.. i pushed him so far,.. till v both lost our way.. wish there is a simple way for me to get back on track.. losing myself wen i really need me to be myself.. to go tru all this heartache and hardlife.. just being me..
if u just know how much i suffer,.. i m not asking u back.. just for forgiveness,.. cos i realized wat i did was so bad.. tht a normal being wont even talk to me again.. but u wer kind enuff to even say hi.. im babbling about my life.. n wat i did.. d consequences.. my regrets..
wen nothing is gonna change..
dudududu~~
flunking radiology was one of the reason my head almost burst up..
being in sardjito and 'being hooked up' with sum annoying FELLAS makes my blood rushes to me brain..
having to wake up early in d morning, waiting for sen to gimme a ride to the hospital makes my feet glued to the floor..
having to sit and wait endlessly in front of the smf for the docs to come for an appointment makes me feel like flying back home NOW..
listening to troubles and sounds of annoying voices around me makes me regret being in YOGYA..
having people addressing me as a nurse wonders Y AM I studying MEDICINE???
damn... ppl
but being with my frens makes me forget all me misery and enjoy my life in yogya as a student while it lasts..
pls make my misery go away,..
i was singing to ne-yo's beat when it occurs to me how my life will b without him,.. the one who i'd come home on d weekends for.. it has been sometime since i fell in love,.. v hooked up after i broke up with my ex.. he was always there for me.. listening, with patience,.. d shoulder i cried on for all this time.. i cant believe tht it is over..
i wouldnt say its his fault neither would i say its mine.. maybe the love just fades,.. maybe v just got tired of each other. i am too pushy.am i? how annoying am i? does it really takes people a whole year to know the other person.. well enuff to leave them? wat's wrong with us? i just dont think that he knows me at all.. after all this years together,..
there was fun.. most of them i'd say wen v r staying together.. if u know what i mean.. but there r also grieves, regrets, motionless pain..
v had our issues, v got tru them.. n v became stronger.. i guess wen u r just not meant to be,. u shud leave tht person and dont live in d past.. yeah.. i got it.. but its hard for me to do it.. i cant just let it go.. still, i want to.. every now and then i kept thinking how stupid i am.. i was the one who made this decision but yet i cant live with it.. i am so weak.. i need someone to be with me..
to think of it,..maybe cos im here too long.. too many stressful events, too many people who im stuck with,.. too many work and responsibilities, which i cant run from.. but take my words.. if i could RUN away,..i would.. without hesitations.. i wont hav to think twice..
i just want my life back..
this is the first raya for all of us here.. in indonesia, away from our loved ones.. well, except for nadya,.. cos aunty, uncle n adik is here.. thankfully,.. aunty cook foods which can be called food for us!! heheh.. if v la, dunno whether cook or not.. maybe sleep the whole day till start to work again:P
well, aunty cook since last nite,.. then v buka puasa together,.. this morning, i woke up at 845am.. tu pun cos i received a txt from nesa asking if im awake or not,. then i txt her asking if she's ready dy.. alamak,.. member bukan saja ready but dah potong buah dy..huhuhu.. my bf called byk kali i xangkat pun..waaa.. sian dia.. yesterday b4 sleeping i dah bising2 asked him to call me after smayng raya..
so i woke up and get ready,..then i heard taxi coming.. ooopss.. nad came home dy:P.. iskk..i havent come out from the toilet lg oo..
i rushed down.. xnak la nmpk sgt br bgn,..rite..hehe.. offered a helping hand,.. then i heard fai n ashraf's motor.. i went to talk n take pics.. lepak2.. uhuuu.. then wen food was ready,..v ate together.. then only anuar came,.. hehhehe..
v talked, talked, gossips n so n so,..till v dun feel like opening our mouth dy:P
afterwards, v wen to qayyum's hut,.hohooo.. member masak rendang manis,.. yeayyy.. makan lagi..sib baik aku dah berak td:P..oppss
..erk erk.. then balik2, i trus main lappy,.. hehehhe
--owh..td call daddy,..nangis2 n sedey2.. my dad balik tangkak w ma families.. lepak2..besh..besh..
p/s:...selamat hari raya and maaf zahir batin...
im feeling so miserable this week. i hav a groupmate who's so bz,.. isk isk.. dah buat jadual tuh ikut jadual la.. ni byk songel lak.. aku sepuk kang b tau:P
my lappy is in lappy island hospital.. kena warded.. tadi i bawak dia for med check up kos of symptoms macam i cant load any pages in mozilla,.. and it turns out that it has been infectd.. funy how i got to know it,. heee.. i asked the tech to reinstall a new anti-viral for my lappy,..then when he un-install my kapersky's... dia cakap-->mba, sistemnya udah diserang,..erk.. i didnt get it at first.. i suruh prema tanyakan,..ada virus ke.. heheh.. damnnnn.. all my apley's reading presentation... tolonglah boleh selamat.... uh uh uh..
p/s--> pls put your prayers together for me lappy, ppl...
tnx:))
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a
fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red,
now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry like an angel, heaven
let me think was you,
But I'm afraid
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Woahooo woah ( repeated)
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...
i was in BM for almost a week.. huhuuu.. it was tiring... sgt2.. byk keje, so stressful, no only the environment, d people, d food, d routine, everything,.. mayb cos my group is smaller compare to d others.. it makes the work more per se.. our superb were angry at us most of the time, he thinks that v r all lazy kids.. with no good intentions .. no effort, nothing, v r all there to go jalan2.. pls, la... if i wanna go jalan2.. baik balik msia, jalan n shop in KL.. there's nothing in BM,.. ada pun mcm kedai runcit kat kelantan jer.. helloooooo... apa kejadah nye.. ciss.. ceiittt..
life was useless, kat sana terasa u r nothing, almost rubbish.. even nurses perli2 kitorg.. cisss... dah la xder resident,, xder org ajar apa2, n expect us to know everything, pastuh nak marah jer... ada nurse marah aku .. xtau patient aku dah mati..(makanya, follow up, dong.. jgn malas!--->ciss, cilaka nye nurse.. butuh loe!) ngeh ngeh ngeh..
then there's always poli n bangsal, ada kah kena marah kos dtg poli lambat 15mins sebab g bfast???!!! can u believe tht? n dia assume v all xnak blaja just cos pagi tuh v all dtg b4 6 to siap sedia for laporan on patients so tht xkena marah,.. ngan kecut2 perut nye.. japg kena marah.. dowhhh...
nway, i have a patient.. i xtau y dia xpakai catheter(i'd rather not say out loud who he is.. kang kena saman lak).nway, dia coma...mak dia ikat plastik kat PENIS dia.. n kencing masuk c2.. wen i tanya if dia BERAK ok ke tak..haha.. mak dia angkat kain batik dia..tunjuk..tuh..taik dia..hahahha..cilaka..dowllll. then tanya y xbuang g.. xcuci ke per.. dia ckp nanti dia berak g.. biar hbs dulu.. lepas dr tuh.. aku cuci tgn aku brapa kali dy..i dunno aaa.. gile geliiiiiiiiiiiii... yaks..yakss
yaks..yaks..yaks..
aku balik2 jer dr BM trus demam.. now sakit2,..makan je muntah... cisss..
P/S: if ada nurse yg baca, jgn terasa, n jgn garang2 sgt k.. kite sume kan manusia.. asal nak marah2.. at last, gaji doc juger yg lebey..hahahhaa..(just kidding) jgn mara yeee... life kena happy, siot.. if u all rasa hidup as a nurse susah, jgn jadi nurse, if xsanggup basuh berak n kencing patient, keje dept lain.. hehe.. v r all students n will always b for the rest of our life.. xsalah kalau kite baik2 antara each other kan.. hehehhe:)) nway, kalau kite baik ngan org, sure ppl will treat us equally juge kan..hahahha.. cheer up.. all nurses around d world!!!:))))
he texts,
he calls,
v talked,
v chat,he remebers,
he sings,
he kiss,
he hugs,
he loves,
he failed,
he dissappoints,
he approve,
he stumbles,
he flew,
he raised,
he crossed,
he hailed,
he admires,
he adores,
he wants,
he lingers,
he lied,
he cheated,
he appologizes...whenever he's there, and i'm here,
whenever he's accompanied, and i'm alone,
whatever it takes for us to b together,
whatever it costs to stay forever,
however v'll survive in this distance,
however v'll go on in this pain,
whichever path v're gonna take,
whomever person that v'll believe,
there's always me and you and you and me
there's always agree and disagree
there's always the bold and the beautiful
there's always sings and laughters
there's always seconds and hours
there's always kind and anger
everyday v'll find each other
if not for real, let it b in our reflection
to whom v believe our heart is destines
to whom treasures us
to seal the love
not only forever
but until the time comes to the end
for eternity in each others hand
let it be me n you
no one else would just do
I LOVE YOU
today, i went to malioboro mall.. bought my self sumthing new.. i wanted to get McD's.. but i ended up shopping.. i bought a new puma shoe, a new airwalk sneakers, a new marieclaire shoe, 2 nike socks, a new bag and a new compartment to put all my lovely handphones in... ngeh ngeh ngeh.. cilaka, still i am still depressed.. sumtimes relationships just makes u wanna go out and have a long walk.. uhuksss...:))
the thing that i love bout weekends is that wenever everyone is in town,.. v cud spend sum time together.. like d old days...ngeh ngeh ngeh:)).. today,.. nina baru balik lagi ke bayu mas,.. sheen just came back, prems is in KL, nesa is stressed up with exams,.. nad is happy as always, n me,.. i'm so-so.. talking bout me,.. i dunno wats wrong with me,.. lately, i've been very stressed up, with work, study, group members, 'frens'.. u know wat i mean.. huhu.. damn,.. i'm playing with my own feelings, deep down, i still dunno wat i really want in a relationship.. 'if i have one'.. i'm a psycho manic depressed late teen with improper menstrual cycle and loads of things in my mind,.. but none i had ever took time n thought about yet.. 
hohooo... i ngah department anesthesi.. ni dah nak habis dy,.. this saturday will b my last laporan pagi di anesthesi yang i have to go oo...:))))
hari ni i maju for exam,.. but xlepas la.. makcik,.. ET kantoi.. ngeh ngeh ngeh..
ok.. in anesthesi, pagi2 u have to come around 630, dengar mereka berceloteh,.. yg aku xberapa faham, then staf akan marah2 residen and buat residen rasa macam mereka bodoh giler...:))).. then it will end around 830-9am, hehehe.. banyak je modal mereka ngak ngomen2.. siap ada lawak lucah, kotor, jijik dan mengiurkan skali...:pppp... oh, then v masuk operation theatre.. di mana v all jadi penyangak,..kadang2,.. dan giler rajin sedikit waktu jer...
ngeh ngeh ngeh.. then ikut la operation sampai habis d whole day tuh... around 230pm, they akan start tulis jadual for the next day di papan seperti gmbr di atas tuh.. tu mereka ngah seybok2 la tuh.. sambil aku amik2 gmbr.. ngeh ngeh.. kalau kite xmenyiibuk juge,..alamat, xder la case untuk d next day.. then after v got our case, v'll start visiting patients and pre op... biasala.. amik tensi, nadi, bla bla bla,..vital signs n blood, ecg n thorax.. plg lama pun i pernah duduk sampai kul 7,.. tunggu result siap.. then kalau u kena jaga,.. u boleh la balik kejap n mandi.. ngeh ngeh.. then jagalah kamu sampai kul 7am..
then start balik rotation biasa... itu la anesthesi.. buhsan kan..
:))
this is my first department,..i started on 26th mei... n supposed to finish by 7th june.. bCos of sum technical thingy.. uhuksss... have to go to forensic until now.. buhsan !! its thursday,. 12th of june .. n i just finished my last discussion of laporan kasus.. it was menyebalkan gilerrrrrrr... that's a pic of dr. soegandhi,.. damn old guy, he talks so slow... i cant really hear or understand nything.. damn.. n there's only 1 resident there.. she dont wanna ACC our visum..ueksssssss... aper la... v all dah la ada 7 cases.. till friday baru habis..now wen finally habis everything,.. x bebas visum lakss.. damn, ppl!!! aper la.. macam la aku suke sgt mem'bosy'kan diri kat forensic tuh.. dah ler ramai anak2 dr uni lain.. geh geh geh... but then.. i just finished my exam today,.. it was ok.. though it was almost a two hour session of oral questionning,.. but other than that, dr yudha and dra. suhartini were very understanding of my language difficulties and were very helpful..ngeh ngeh.. wen i xtau jawab,.. mule lah wat muke tersengih2 macam kerang busuk yg kena buang dalam tong sampah taik...:((((...ahakss...
i just cant wait to enter anesthesy and finish all d departments, n go back!!! well... at least i cant wait to finish till surgery.. then leh balik raya...yeay!!!
everyone has it.but sumtimes it gets the best of u.. wen he told me that i am trying too hard, i didnt get any idea in which area too hard is.. haha.. but still, with the plans changing and all, it made me think.. n i really am thinking.. huhu.. gosh,..i really tot i had it.. v had sumthing, n r really committed to it... not until last thursday, wen he popped out his plans... future-self plans.. hohoo.. it was quite shocking.. i love him too much to just walk away, but at the same time i am afraid to wait and c wat it'll turns out to be.. damn me,..damn u.. damn us!!
~i resent my life and his~
i am so depressed, i had been a medical student long enuff to suddenly feel this.. my emotions are suppressed with my feelings of betrayal, hatred, envy and ignorance. if only i could get sum time out of this and continue my life wer i left it.. that wud be after my SPM.. have fun, hanging out with frens, do all the crazy stuff and carry my own problems without burdening anyone. Being with someone just makes you crazy, cranky, bitchy and wat not annoying,.. it seems that doing everything just doesnt pays off.. wat else shud u do to get attention? d'oh, go out with sum random guys while u r still on ur bf's bed? well, let me tell u,.. that doesnt really work.. n in my case, i dont think it will.. thinking bout it, i think i hav the rite to be pampered.. being in his place for awhile, feeling tired, just waiting for him to come home, cant he just spare some time for me? it makes me think if i am trying too hard in my relationship. maybe i should just let it go,.. go with the flow,. i mean, there's nothing to lose... if he's not around anymore, i could just get back with my ex or be with sumone else.. and i bet he doesnt care.. he just thinks that i'm a cranky bitch.. well, i dont give a damn if u r leaving me.. really, i dont!
why is it so hard to be in love and to feel that u r being loved. its not supposed to be this hard. how can an enjoyable and heavenly feeling become so cold and full of hatred.. i just feel like crying. i know it doesnt solve anything but it makes forget about it for awhile if not at all. i just wan a happy love life, being happy as long as i am with him, regardless our distance.
OR maybe he has someone else? someone who makes him really happy,.. being miles away just makes their love stronger? and when i'm around, he just wanna cuddle and be with someone, it doesnt really matter if it's me.
all this free time just makes me think, and thinking makes me assume things, and my assumptions r always bad ones..
if only i know wat is going on, if only he shares stuff with me just like he shares 'em with his frens, sumtimes i feel like a worthless, useless biatch who just knows how to nag and piss him off.. maybe i AM a bad gf and i'm just giving him bad vibes.. and maybe i should just let him b..
maybe i just dont deserve him.. Dont I?
have u ever thought if ur bf is cheating on u?hahaha.. perhaps everyone is cheating, it's just how n where differs it. if u are on a diet but u ate junk foods, u r definitely cheating your diet plan, if u are training for a marathon but u skip one training day, u r definitely cheating on ur effort. if u work hard to be a medical student but u hung over and let the days passed meaninglessly, u r cheating on ur future!!.. so in every aspect in life, ppl tend to cheat not only on others but also on themselves... ironic isn't it?haha...
back to the main issue... bout cheating bfs.. urm,..how do u know he's not cheating? i presume, the main keys to success and everlasting long distance relationship are:
--->trust each other
--->avoid fussing about small things
--->understanding both side's priority (career, routine, hobbies, etc)
--->forgive small mistakes
--->learn to give and take
--->be more considerate
--->get to know more bout your spouse
--->don't always depend on instinct (it could be wrong esp wen influence by ur mood)
--->try to join in activities
--->get rid of ur ego
--->grow up!be more matured!n independent dude!!!!
this is based on my life, my love, my time and sharing of the dreadful and at times joyful long distance relationship..... :)
There are times in our life where v feel like its useless. Doing anything will only make things worst. When u would just wanna lay back on your bed, emptying your thoughts and letting it linger. The truth is you just wanna run away from everything, cause u think its worthless. Putting all those effort, knowing that it'll only end up bad. No matter what u do, no matter how different u wanna change things, no matter where or how or who u do it with, it doesn't matter... Cause with u, everything is a mess. I've been spending the past week watching Monk, PSych, Charmed and Grey's anatomy.. it was not gonna stop,..the marathon. unless i pull myself together and start studying which in my case is something hard to do.. I've been a bummer.. nodding on my fates of losing, crash and burn with my feelings. I thought of just going home to my family, being with them makes this much easier. Surely I have to endure my dad's nags and my mom's attitude but still all that comparing to my life right now,.. will be the one thing that I really wanna face. And now i'm putting up words to make sentences in my blog.. when i should be studying for my clinical reasoning and minor surgery... well,..dont be astonished by it yet.. it's really un'cool'.. ciao..
Love is a passionate feeling that people feels for each other.. it can be between anyone in d world.. frens, lovers, families.. but wen it comes to a relationship, love affair, etc.. watever u wanna call it,.. v tend to get nervous wen we have to choose,.. take a fren of mine for instance,.. she is happily dating to a 31 yo guy,.. yet,..she still contacts her ex... a 26 yo cute guy,..ahakss.. and in her spare time,..she still talks n flirts to others.. occassionally,..it shud b ok.. but wat will happen wen one of them ask for her hand in marriage? c, wen v started the whole 'couple' thing,.. v never actually tot tht v'll end up being together forever for d rest of our lives.. v may thought tht it was just for fun and,..if the relationship turns out well and gives you 8 out of 10 good points out of it,.. u'd surely continue the relation.. but if its not,..u'll still think wats d best for u... put away the interest of ur couple.. hahahha.. well,.. it may sound selfish.. but to stay happy.. thts wat people always do.. so there's nothing wrong about tht.. and always remember tht if anyone should sacrifice in the relationship,..its NEVER you..
people always correlates love and sacrifices.. thts BULLSHIT!! everyone should have their goals in life and prioritize them,.. never take any of them for granted for anything else.. ESP a relationship... cos once u made a bad choice and u thought back... what if... u had let him go and go on with ur dreams... u will surely regret all d sacrifices u made..(kuang'kuang'kuang')
so i was browsing on this fine day,..and guess wat i ran into?gegeggege...
an article similar to this... “Is this man or woman worth my time? Are we going tomake each other better for being with each other, or doeshe or she make me feel something I have never felt before?”If it’s not the exact internal questions, they certainly are notfar off. If our intentions are truly built on a “good heartedfoundation” then not hiding the truth about ourselves whenmeeting others is a simple task. We can love who we areinside and then proceed to market that love so someoneelse can enjoy it.However, we hide and not reveal what we know are ournegatives without working internally on them beforeproceeding into another relationship, where we can injectthem all over again. If we ironed out our problems beforedelving full fledged into another committed relationship,then we wouldn’t have to “put our best foot forwardbecause we would have both feet already firmly on theground.” It all starts with you and taking personal accountability foryour own heart and what you truly seek in a perspectivemate. False impressions of all positives about yourself put adishonest spin into a relationship from the get go and pointit for a tenuous at best, future. When you get to know yourself inside and out and whatyou truly want from a relationship is when you will know ifa relationship has a future or not.Work on eliminating your negative personality traits beforeever pursuing a committed relationship. Then attempt toefficiently read your perspective mate's honest intentionsbefore you invest too much time. If done correctly, youwill have increased your odds exponentially for a long termrelationship and stacked them confidently in your favor.
as times goes by, we looked back at the things that we regret, things tht we missed, things that we wish are still with us.. it was a clear day wen i sat on my bed, next to the window,.. looking at the sky, thinking of my mistakes and my achievements... throughout the past 23 years.. and i'm glad i have you... i thought of my exes.. and the mistakes tht i done ,..wat chase them away,.. then i thought of d way i treat you.. maybe i'm taking it for granted,.. cos u r always there for me... i never imagine a day without you.but yesterday, today n the days ahead of us.. i know u'll b busy for me.. the transmission is very hard for me. i cant imagine a day without ur sms, without a call, owh..shit.. i'm gonna b so lonely.. but i have faith in u and me.. n i want u to succeed in everything tht u do..even if u have to leave me, or put me aside... i'll still b here waiting for u.. listening to u.. and loving u..
after awhile... i stare at my door,.. sometimes i wish tht u wud surprise me.. u'll knock on my door.. quietly u jump on me n u'd c my tears flow... happily in the warmth of ur body,.. u hugging me.. baby.. u can b VERY predictable but sumtimes.. it wont kill to have me jumping around in joy.. too much too ask i presume.. u re being so nice, comforting me even with listening.. i really do love u..
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