~suppressed~
i am so depressed, i had been a medical student long enuff to suddenly feel this.. my emotions are suppressed with my feelings of betrayal, hatred, envy and ignorance. if only i could get sum time out of this and continue my life wer i left it.. that wud be after my SPM.. have fun, hanging out with frens, do all the crazy stuff and carry my own problems without burdening anyone. Being with someone just makes you crazy, cranky, bitchy and wat not annoying,.. it seems that doing everything just doesnt pays off.. wat else shud u do to get attention? d'oh, go out with sum random guys while u r still on ur bf's bed? well, let me tell u,.. that doesnt really work.. n in my case, i dont think it will.. thinking bout it, i think i hav the rite to be pampered.. being in his place for awhile, feeling tired, just waiting for him to come home, cant he just spare some time for me? it makes me think if i am trying too hard in my relationship. maybe i should just let it go,.. go with the flow,. i mean, there's nothing to lose... if he's not around anymore, i could just get back with my ex or be with sumone else.. and i bet he doesnt care.. he just thinks that i'm a cranky bitch.. well, i dont give a damn if u r leaving me.. really, i dont!
why is it so hard to be in love and to feel that u r being loved. its not supposed to be this hard. how can an enjoyable and heavenly feeling become so cold and full of hatred.. i just feel like crying. i know it doesnt solve anything but it makes forget about it for awhile if not at all. i just wan a happy love life, being happy as long as i am with him, regardless our distance.
OR maybe he has someone else? someone who makes him really happy,.. being miles away just makes their love stronger? and when i'm around, he just wanna cuddle and be with someone, it doesnt really matter if it's me.
all this free time just makes me think, and thinking makes me assume things, and my assumptions r always bad ones..
if only i know wat is going on, if only he shares stuff with me just like he shares 'em with his frens, sumtimes i feel like a worthless, useless biatch who just knows how to nag and piss him off.. maybe i AM a bad gf and i'm just giving him bad vibes.. and maybe i should just let him b..
maybe i just dont deserve him.. Dont I?
